Back in a Rut

The past few months haven’t been easy. Anyone following me socially would probably know this, and I know I am repeating myself. But if the past months were rough, then the past few weeks have been torture. This is why I stopped writing, or going out, or doing much of anything really, because I am back in a rut. I’m aware enough to know it, but still unsure of how to get out of it. 

It’s gotten to the point lately that every time something new and positive comes into my life, I get a pretty valid fear that it’s either 1) not going to last, or 2) be followed up by something bad. Every up has been followed by a down and I am really starting to get sick of it. It’s exhausting, I am tired, and motivation doesn’t grow on trees (though if someone figures that one out, message me ASAP, I have a business proposition for you).

But I’m not just here to complain, I promise. The reality is, everybody gets into ruts, it’s how you handle them that’s important. When nothing’s going right, it seems like nothing ever will, I get that. At the same time, you have to realize that not everything is bad either, it's just seems that the negatives overshadow the positives.

My grandmother passed away, and I have never really experienced anything like that before. Let me tell you, it was an awful experience. I was trying to balance a new job (still training), schoolwork (just finishing), and a funeral, something I’d never been to before. Not easy. Despite this, I realized some good things too,like how great my family is. Though I don’t know half of them as well as I should like, and like half of them half as well as they deserve, it was nice seeing everyone together for once. Not reluctantly together, but actually together. As someone who comes from a rather divided family, it was beautiful to see.

Secondly, I realized that even in the toughest of times, you are capable of amazing things. In the run of a week, I worked 35 hours, attended a funeral, buried my grandmother, finished my last two papers at Mt. A, and spent time with family. I was putting in 12 hour days without realizing it, just because I didn’t have a choice.

Lastly, it has taken the worst of times to make me realize that people can be more amazing than you could ever have imagined. My family has been forced to band together for more crises in the past couple months than is humanely fair. Through our struggles, close friends have shown the true meaning of friendship to us in the best of ways, making our miseries a lot easier. Finally, people who I have just met have been one of the best support groups that I ever could have hoped for. I didn’t ask for any help, yet they were the ones who helped most of all, and I am very thankful for this. 

So there you have it. I know this is a bit of a rant, but then again it's been a while since I've written, so bear with me. I’m not out of my rut yet, nor do I know when I will be, but I know that you got to take things one day at a time and keep moving forward. I am thankful for the people I do have in my life, and miss the ones who are now gone. In short, keep on keeping on!

And for my Nan: We feel your love every single day, and you will always be here with us.