I think of myself as a successful, intelligent human being. Ever since I’ve been in school, my grades have been consistently stellar, I have received numerous grants, scholarships and awards, I have gotten high praise from my peers and superiors, and now I have a steady, well-paying job, working from home. Despite all of these things, I feel a constant sense of disappointment in meeting my own expectations. No matter how hard I try, there always seems to be a set of goals that I hold in my mind yet cannot reach. The way I see it, it all comes down to two opposing forces:
- Wanting to do everything – I expect perfection of myself, knowing damn well that perfect doesn’t exist. I want to be a better guitarist and musician, honing my skills technically while somehow writing music constantly…but I also want to be a better writer, pumping out short stories consistently while completing a novel…and I want to study film, working towards an academic and practical career in the field…I want a relationship, and to improve the relationships I have with friends and family…I think you get the point. I have too many aspirations, and while I have always appreciated the multitude of things that I enjoy, it can also be too much, especially when life comes with its own natural limitations.
- Having to choose – though I acknowledge the hardship of trying to do everything, for some reason I still haven’t given up trying, making the concept of choice a great nemesis of mine. Most nights, I can’t even pick a movie on Netflix. Why is that? Because there are 15 I want to watch, and if I could somehow watch them all simultaneously, I would. The choice, however, kills me a little bit inside...and most nights, because I can’t watch all of them, I watch none instead. The benefit of having endless choice actually prevents me from making one altogether. Taking this concept and applying it to larger life decisions has proven to be equally disarming. How am I supposed to pick a grad program, school, or career choice, if I can’t even choose a movie?
So how does one reconcile wanting everything with having to choose something? I really don’t know, because so far I have been unable to do it. I like to think that some day I will be a successful film maker who performs live music on the side, while still fulfilling my dream of being a great writer and scholar…but honestly, this won’t happen, or at least, not all of it. Perhaps the answer lies not in the choices themselves, but in the ability to make a choice. I always try to compare them all with each other, seeing which will make me the happiest, but why does one of these things have to be better than the others? I could be equally happy being a scholar as opposed to a fictional writer, and unless I become both of those things, then I really have no way of telling which one was the better choice anyway, so why don’t I just choose one?
Finally, there has been one thing that has been bothering me greatly as of late. I continuously hear stories, directly or indirectly, of people who gave up their dreams in exchange for a steady, "normal" life. Maybe this was out of necessity, to take care of loved ones for example, but I feel this is not often the case. It worries me that in the pursuit of my own dreams and choices, I will lose track of my passions and settle for mediocrity…and I don’t mean financially, but mentally. I have a deep, deep love for story-telling, music, film and romance. Before I die, I want to give the world one great moment, like my idols before me. Think of the first time you heard a moving piece of music, or witnessed a great moment in film, the kind that brings you to tears without realizing why. The artist inside of me has always been yearning to give the world one of these "moments", and I know that it is in my own hands to make this happen. But if I do not pursue my passions to make this happen, and I instead settle for a stable, well-paying job, then I will have failed my greatest expectation of all.
Which is why I have to start making choices. I am still young, but the clock is always ticking, and I suspect my journey will be a long one. For now, I am still working on a little bit of everything, but when the time comes I will inevitably have some choices to make. Some will be bad, and some will be good. But I am starting to realize that in the grand scheme of things, there will always be many paths with many tough choices. The one choice I really have to make is about whether or not I am willing to take the hard path that will one day bring myself back to par with my own expectations.